One of the best things about the internet is when companies mess up while trying to market to hip youths — or, as they call them, "millennials."
This happens all the time, and for all kinds of reasons. Maybe they dont have any young people on staff. Maybe they hired someone to be young for them (real young person or fake 34-year-old guy with cool hairstyle who wears Chucks) but they hired a totally incompetent person, or maybe they ultimately made a mockery of said persons advice in lengthy boardroom meetings.
One company that got it wrong recently (or, more accurately, an organization) is the United States Potato Board.
Which, yes is a real thing. I assume its just a loose federation of independent republics potato farmers, so I suppose we should be impressed that they have a web presence at all, let alone their own dedicated smartphone app.
But not only do they have a web presence and a smartphone app, they have facts and statistics to help them better target a new audience of potential potato product purchasers (PPPP).
So lets take a little journey with them to find out how potatoes fit into the lives of millennials. We might even learn a thing or two.
If they were even the slightest bit hip, theyd know that millennials love potatoes. Check out this sweet crispy, salty proof:
Exercise? Oh, I thought you said extra fries!
Ó DhoomBros (@DhoomBros) November 13, 2014
All day I’ve been thinking about a milkshake and fries.
Ó Spoiled Girl (@_SpoiledGirl) November 13, 2014
bacon cheese fries
Ó (@SpliffMeister) November 13, 2014
Ó Hanadi (@Hanadi_128) November 13, 2014
Just look at those dope RTs and favs, brah! But can these millennials even fit potatoes into their hip, young, webternet-using lifestyle, or are they merely a piping-hot pipe dream?
Luckily for the potato board, potatoes are a super inexpensive staple. You want good value for money? You want potatoes. Ergo, millennials want potatoes.
Big surprise. Everyone likes potatoes, from Granny Elderly Snackington to Cool Teen Ryanderson Friezler. Know why? Because potatoes are, empirically, the best food. Check out how many of your favorite meals are actually just variations on potatoes:
– mashed potatoes
– potato chips
– french fried potatoes
– scalloped potatoes
– pepperoni potatizzo
– chicken pot pieato
– baked potatoes
– a fox, suspended in aspic, with a braised owl and diced heritage potatoes
– a whole raw potato (to take yourself out of the mood)
But who are these millennials? Well, the USPB ran the numbers, and it turns out every millennial fits into one of five categories:
This is about two RTs and a Tumblr blog short of being the best Buzzfeed quiz, like, ever.
Which Millennial Are You When It Comes To Eating Potatoes?
Do you "prefer routines and packages" while "skewing older"? You’re the Avoider! (Picture of Taylor Swift wearing glasses to signify dorky/loser)
Are you "looking to put something on the table that everyone will enjoy"? You’re the Nurturer! (Picture of the mom from "Too Many Cooks")
Do you "love to experiment with new, creative recipes that use start-from-scratch ingredients" so you can impress your friends and confound your enemies? You’re the Entertainer! (Picture of Taylor Swift on stage singing and smiling)
Do you "want adventurous foods that are new and exciting" while remaining "health involved"? You’re the Explorer! (Picture of Taylor Swift climbing a mountain [mountain has been digitally altered to resemble a potato])
Or do you "choose natural and unprocessed foods" while also "looking for meals that are easy to prepare" and are probably from the West Coast? You’re the Health Seeker! (Picture of iconic rain kiss from The Notebook, except Ryan Gosling is kissing a potato)
(I included this moving "GIF" image to appeal to hip young potato-lovers.)
Oh, millennials. Will the nations potato farmers ever understand your wacky ways? While we wait for more results, (while stuffing ourselves full of potato snacks), dont forget what may be the best potato snack of all: vodka.